Over the past week I have been quieter than my normal quietness, not really reaching out to anyone. Silent. Mainly because I’ve been in a reflective mode and not wanting to share my thoughts and feelings with others until I figure things out better.
That is my MO and it comes and goes, the quietness. It will pass in a few days, but it got me to ask myself why I won’t share with a person who knows me well and cares about my well-being when these times get here. The truth of the matter is that I am an intensely private person. Now that may seem weird considering I’m writing this on a public forum, but here we are. It might help somebody, who knows. Though, there are certain things that are exclusively mine and not for anyone else. Most people have this personal space that is only theirs and no one should encroach into that area no matter who they are. It is a safe and peaceful space.
In my thoughts, I asked myself another question. Is there anyone whose advice, counsel, or opinion I’d care to have to help sort myself out? My immediate unconscious response was images of faces of the people who I always go to for advice, and my answer was no. I don’t want to share this just yet. I want to keep things to myself until I feel sure I even understand what it is. This is private for now.
What is privacy and how is it different from secrecy?
In my understanding of the two words respectively, privacy is the state of being unobserved. Moving in your personal spaces without interference or observation of other people’s view. Everything that is private to a person is not a secret. Secrecy is actively keeping something hidden. It is ‘protecting’ something private from ever being disclosed or exposed to others. This is where the main difference lies between the two terms, essentially.
Since I am private and tend to keep most personal thoughts and feelings to myself, other folks think that I am secretive and mysterious. That is not the case. I have few secrets and if I were investigated thoroughly, the investigator would very definitely be mad for wasting time and energy on me, lol. The point is there is nothing I consider mysterious about keeping personal things from public scrutiny. Things that are meaningful and precious on a molecular level does not have to be revealed to anyone, if it does not cause harm. That is my opinion.
Secrecy is more than privacy. While secrecy may spill into privacy, not all privacy is secret. There is a level of deliberate ‘hiding’ that is associated with it. Secrets will cause people to lie and omit truths. Secrets carry a burden of weight that ranges from mild to great depending on what is being withheld and its potential impact. There is usually a negative impact if a secret is ever disclosed or made public. This is especially true in relationships.
What do they look like in a relationship?
This morning, I believe my subconscious mind pushed this topic into my conscious mind because one of my long-standing personal relationships is off, as in not quite right anymore. Intuitively, I realize that I am trying to figure out what to do about it. This friend of mine is private as well, but over the years s(he) has become increasingly more secretive. It feels different because the person responds and replies differently around certain topics and flat out interacts with me less. I am certain that whatever is not being said would adversely impact the relationship and it better serves them to keep me in their life by keeping it hidden.
When someone you’re used to being close to and share almost everything with becomes unusually reclusive, evasive, or uncommunicative something is up. With this feeling of intuition being so strong, the notion has to be correct. I know know privacy. I respect privacy. I give people generous amounts of private space because I understand how important it is to have. This current situation is not just being private. This friend is lying to me and has been for a while. S(he) is secretive to the point that they stay away. Now normally the staying away part wouldn’t bother me, I have very healthy and loving, close, long-distance-for-a-little-while best good friendships. We do not share and tell each other everything that goes on in our lives all the time. That’s not how it works.
A person who has a secretive life is not someone I could truly be relaxed around. Where is the level of trust needed to sustain authentic relationships? Would I trust this person to keep personal things private? Sure. Could I trust them to be true? No. That is what I am dealing with and sorting through in these days. Relationships are not meant to be negatively invasive. I do believe that when someone knows so much about you, they can help you be better even when you don’t know you need to be. Privacy is claiming boundaries and being comfortable in them. Secrecy has painful and sometimes shameful boundaries, and no one is comfortable in or with them.
Knowing and understanding the difference
In my final thought here as I finish my “mini therapy session” is that the main difference I feel is the center of what separates them is the associated feelings about whatever it is that is being withheld from exposure. That is the main factor. You know a secret when you feel it, it will cause a pang in your spirit, your mind, your heart. Any element of shame, fear, or loss connected to it makes it much more than just being a private matter.
ronecole 