Part One: You Mean You Don’t Know?
How many times have you been so engrossed in doing what is expected of you versus what you really want to do? The kicker is, you didn’t realize it was happening until you felt the discontent. During that time, have you had a day or two or ten when you woke up in the morning and thought, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” For the last several months or so I’ve experienced these thoughts.
If you’re like me, you’re somewhere in the middle of your life and you still haven’t arrived at the place you feel like you’re supposed to be, then maybe we can help each other out. We’re out here living our best lives and it ain’t even ours, lol! I haven’t figured out the answer, but what I do know is that the feelings that created these thoughts are valid. They burn my spirit enough to make me question the route I have taken. Let me give you a brief introduction to my current conflict. Sit tight.
I am a by-the-book sort of person for the most part. I prefer order and structure. I plan for the worst and expect the best. I rarely color outside the lines and I choose my moves wisely. I know you’re thinking that’s boring. For some maybe, if you’re an impulsive or spontaneous person. While there’s nothing wrong with that, that isn’t who I am at my core. I like my ducks in a neat, youngest-to-oldest, and organized row. This helps me to eliminate wastes of time and energy. I’m not anal, but my OCD does not play games, so I keep things simple.
This shift (as I call it) has me questioning myself, and it’s a big deal. I’m usually the one who has thought through all the pros and cons and made a sound decision. Or what I believed to be solid and sound at the time of making it. Now I am in a mental and emotional space where my expectations are being challenged – by me. Do I want to live a life that brings me peace and joy or do I live the life that I set because of the expectations other people have for me? My immediate answer to that is, “psshh, Woman do what brings you peace and joy, and not give a fig about what other people think or expect.” Well, that’s easy to say, but not so easy to do when doing that could affect people you care about directly; people who depend on you to be the same ole consistent and reliable person you’ve always been.
Since I’m an optimistic realist. I know there has to be a way to have what I want and be who I want to be. I believe conditions get better, but it does come at a price. What price am I willing to pay though? A price isn’t necessarily monetary. It could still be as gargantuan as completely getting out of my comfort zone and doing things in ways I’ve never done them. That is hella scary. Side rant: I have never understood why people think that is the easiest thing to do. Nothing about that process is easy. It’s oversimplified and darn near shaming. End rant.
Here we are again with our discontent about something we cannot truly put a finger on. The “what should I do and how do I do it now?” The ambiguity is a little intimidating, I confess. There is a way to work through it and find that place where my desires and passions intersect with my expectations and responsibilities. I’m working on it…
ronecole 